somehow it seems that I had a clearer picture of who I am and what were my goals when I was still in school..when things were so much simpler.
at 12 years of age, my future was to get into the secondary school of my choice.
at 16 years of age, my future was to get into a junior college.
at 18 years of age, my future was to get into university.
at 23 years of age, my future is a big wad of fuzz wuzz and whenever I decipher a little portion of that mess, I second guess myself and everything just becomes fuzz again.
maybe that's it - I second guess myselfand get insecure about my strengths too much.
I second guess my closest frens' affirmation, my perceived talent for drama and hosting, my career path, my initial desire to serve in Adults, whether I will ever become the woman God wants me to be etc etc. it seems like I used to have plans, and things have totally changed - I seem to be able to only live in the now.
when I convince myself that I'm thinking too much into things, I rmb not to ignore these concerns as they might be from god. but when I decide to act upon my concern, it seems like I'm tinking too much.
sighs.
u see Lord, my life would be a complete mess if u weren't around. because in this mess of uncertainty, u r the beacon of stability that calls out to me. without you, I would be swept away in the concerns of myself.
with You around, i can confidently force my eyes to turn away from the insecure me and onto You.
as I take one small step at a time, let mi be confident that you r holding onto my right hand. ur presence is enough.
thinking about how I should deal with this.
Help me Lord.
Insecurities working up again. I don't dare to hope for happyness.
Death and life seperated by a kiss.
realised how insignificant my life on this earth is when compared to god's awesomeness. sometimes tinking about what I have to do as a child of god scares mi, and I just want to relax and do my own stuff.
stripping away all dreams n visions, I can say that I'm a very contented person.
contrary to popular belief, I'm very thankful for my job. I've got enough good close friends to last me a lifetime. I dun need to put in effort to gain anymore friends, or clarify those with misunderstandings. I've got a great family. I've enjoyed the little luxuries safe Singapore can provide. And I have no lack of suitors. Cross examining my needs, I dun really have anything that I lack.
yet i'm restless. something doesn't feel right. the nagging suspicion that there's something more out there doesn't leave mi. and I can find no valid reason to deny the deity n truth of god having experienced the realness n goodness of god myself.
somehow the lyrics "there must be more than this" rings clearly in my heart. and no matter how much I try, I'm unable to douse the burning impression that I'm made for something more.
and as I look around at the sufferings of this groaning planet, the stark realization of the immense need for everone in this world to go back to god staggers me.
and I, having known how incomparably wonderful it is to be in His presence, feel compelled to go to each n every suffering person and point them to the Sovereign One.
to tell them I have no answer as to why u r suffering, but I know that you need god. to tell them I dun care how much of a weirdo they think I am to be such a jesus freak, because one day they will understand.
as I think of the staggering amount of decisions I have to make, the undesirable task of having to give up my rights as a human, and the changes I have to make as a person, I confess that I'm unwilling to do anything.
god, I just want to slack n do my own things. love those who love me, and screw those who hurt me. lead my contented yet restless life.
but you wouldn't let mi do that huh?
because when u smile at me from heaven, and tell mi how much you love me, I just can't bring myself to slack my life away.
do you know Lord, that Your love is just so addictive. I can't live without it.
